Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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