ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
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