Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Randomize
