It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize