just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
