I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
