seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
