ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Randomize