i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
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