he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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