Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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