I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
