WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
