I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
