Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Randomize
