He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize