took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
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