Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Randomize
