there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Randomize
