life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
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