She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Randomize