Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
