I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
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