His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I AM VODKA MAN
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Randomize
