I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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