So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
please come you make the beer taste better
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
