So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
