My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
