I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
