i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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