That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
