You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
