i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Randomize
