oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
