Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
