The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
