I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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