just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
