ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
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