the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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