i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
she peed on how many people?
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
