Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Randomize
