I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
