Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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