My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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