you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
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