I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Randomize
