is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
