Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
