I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
