that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
