WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
