went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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