I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
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