Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I have already put on my inside pants.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
