im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I have aggressive nipples.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
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