You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
