my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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