Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
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