i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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