Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
