theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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