Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
