I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
